(Sigh), where to begin? Izzy and I are experiencing very big changes and challenges right now. As many of you already know, I have decided to return to Mexico this week, to continue the work I was doing for eight years in the Ashram, Yoga institute and Orphanage. I know this has left so many of our friends and families confused. You are probably asking yourselves why I would make this decision now while on an incredible around the world journey. I hope this entry answers your questions and eases your hearts. I love you all and I know you are concerned because you love us. If you have any questions that I do not answer, please feel free to write me. A lot of this is very personal, but I want to be open with everyone who has been on this journey along with us through the blog. So here we go…
I moved to Mexico from Philadelphia when I was twenty. I originally went to learn Yoga and Nutrition from my step-mom, but connected immediately with her lifestyle, teachings and service work. I found my life full of more satisfaction, purpose and joy than I had ever experienced and soon after, I decided to become staff. I lived there and helped open and run the orphanage for eight years alongside an incredible team of other young staff members. I helped to create my dream place and although it took very deep personal work, and was highly challenging on every level, I always felt a deep and consistent joy in my soul. Before leaving two years ago, I started to feel an internal conflict within myself. It was evident that I needed to delegate much of the hands-on work I had been doing and move into a different and more balanced lifestyle. I knew this, but to be honest, my ego took over and I didn’t want to turn over “my” work. Because of this, I burnt myself out and lost the strength to continue. It is more complex, but overall, I basically made some personal mistakes that cost me my spiritual and personal strength to continue in the place I so loved. One day, I felt a certainty that I needed to leave and although it was crushingly sad for me, I felt deep down it was what I had to do at that time. Everyone I was close to there offered their help, but I felt I had to go and sort things out on my own.
I moved to LA, started a new life and consoled myself by thinking I could help the orphanage even better from abroad – planning fundraisers, raising donations and awareness about the projects. I entered a new phase of life and although I missed my home in Mexico, I started to enjoy my new very lackadaisical life and the little work that was required of me on every level. I struggled with bouts of depression, but even in my greatest times of sadness, I didn’t feel I could return. I felt my lowest a year ago, last New Year’s Eve, and I prayed to God to help me through the uncertainty, sadness and loneliness I felt. I asked him to please send me someone to be by my side and help me be strong. I woke up the next day feeling like the clouds had parted in my life, because I had asked for God to once again guide me through. Less than three weeks later I met Izzy.
Our relationship has been the greatest gift and I have thanked God every day for answering my prayer and crossing our paths. At times, I can not believe how blessed I am to be with such an incredibly genuine, pure and loving person. We have a beautiful world together and our understanding, respect and love for each other runs deeper than I knew was possible. There is never any conflict, and yet, it is still exciting, fun and challenging. We flow together so well. In essence, we bring out the best in each other.
Okay, so now you are more confused than ever, right? You are asking yourself, “Why in the world would she cut this awesome trip with her great boyfriend short?” This is the thing, the goal of this trip for me has always been to have the time to think and contemplate life properly without everyday stresses and distractions. I wanted to experience new things and places to gain perspective and formulate my desires for the future. I also wanted Izzy and I to have the opportunity to know each other on a much deeper level so we could see if we were ready to take the next step. How many countries I visited, how many wonders I saw, or how many months I traveled were not my greatest interests, it was more an external voyage to help me complete an internal quest. This is something Izzy has known since we started planning and I think that is probably why it is easier for him to understand my decision than anyone. It was important that Izzy and I solidify our life goals and desires as well as our intensions for a future together on this trip so we could be sure all those elements matched well before moving forward. It has taken less time to realize these things than I expected, but I am not sorry – it has saved time (not to mention money) and given me the answers that I have been desperately seeking.
We have been on the road for six months now and through our many experiences I have come to the clarity that I had been praying for and the strength to match it. Seeing the very sad state of the world and the desperately sick and poor has ripped open my heart in these months. I long to help those in need, yet nothing I can do as a passer-by can have a lasting effect. I have felt more and more helpless with every place we travel. Don’t get me wrong, travel is exciting, but for me it is not fulfilling emotionally or spiritually. The more I see, the more compassion I feel and the more I yearn for a life of more significance. The strength to continue at the ashram has returned full force with my conviction that I was born to serve. I feel a deeper, more genuine need to be there now than I even felt when I lived there prior. For me it is the perfect place to continue my spiritual path and prepare myself more fully to reach my greatest potential so I can serve more fully. I believe it is a calling that I must follow. Life is precious and none of us know how long we have on this earth, when we come upon our truth or feel a calling in our heart it is my belief that we must follow it. I know that this may be hard to understand, but this trip was one I embarked on with Izzy and he understands, so I am at peace with my decision.
I am also sure that Izzy is the man I want to spend my life with. It is also out of respect for him, I am following my life calling now so we don’t get even closer before finding out if our life paths are headed in the same direction. I will be returning to LA for a few days before leaving for Mexico. Izzy will continue to travel for roughly three more months before making his way to Mexico, where he will join me and do volunteer work for a while so he can see what the place I want to call home is all about. This time apart will be healthy for us and give us time to do some self-work and exploration before reuniting. I have enjoyed getting to know the ins and outs of his world and being a part of it –making friends with his friends, supporting the Bagavagabonds, meeting and falling in love with his family and friends in CA, KY and OH. I know he will enjoy experiencing my world, meeting the rest of my family, witnessing the work I have poured my heart and soul into and getting to know me more completely. I am grateful for this trip, for our relationship and for every step that led to this next phase of navigation. We are taking things step by step - trying not to get ahead of ourselves. We love each other and believe that everything will work out for the best for both of us.
It has been an emotional time for us and we have done a lot of talking, crying and planning, but with every day we have both felt better, more settled and positive about this change. I leave tonight on a bus to Santiago. We are spending today (Valentines Day) enjoying each other and giving thanks for each other. We appreciate all your love and support. The emails we have been receiving have been helping us get through this transition – your beautiful and heartfelt words are appreciated more than you know.
Still our favorite!